The War on Kitschmas, or the crafty guide to Christmas kick-assery

New dress

***

When Dana and I first started dating, her parents invited us to a craft fair, and although I smiled, punched the air happily and said, “Swell!” I immediately knew what we were in for: hours of slowly wandering a cramped, tie-dyed exchange of gemwear and healing trinkets, lavender eye pillows and patchouli-scented mood rings and mumus.

So it’s funny, years later, to think about how excited I was to attend to the Bazaar Bizarre this weekend in Golden Gate Park.

After breaking out the sewing machine almost every day for, well, a long time now, we simply wanted to get some ideas for do-it-yourself projects.

We left with so much more.

From “I (heart) my vagina” underwear to life-sized plushie hams to magnets with little birds and captions like “My mating dance is mostly seizures,” the fair offered so many unique, kick-ass gifts that we stocked up for the holidays. Dana found the perfect T-shirt and we collected enough prints and collages to cover Emmeline’s room twice over.

It felt wonderful to help support all these wonderful artists, and so like the San Francisco travel guide I posted earlier this year, I wanted to put this out there as a resource for people thinking twice about the mall.

It’s really amazing what some people can do with a sewing machine, a hot glue gun and twine. But who knew you could also make crafts with them?

I tried to focus on cool stuff for the kids — you’ll see that first on the list below — followed by some really fun stuff for parents or for the home. Most of this stuff we found at the fair, although I have a few crafty friends out there I also wanted to showcase and figured this was my chance.

So here we go.

I hope you enjoy the inaugural Crafty Guide to Christmas Kick-Assery.

***

Please, think of the children:

Jaime Zollars — We could not resist this artist’s collection of moody ruminations on life and the environment, not to mention her re-fashioned takes on popular fairy tales. We’re moving Emme to a new room soon, and we snapped up two gorgeous prints for her walls. Definitely tops on our list.

3Fish Studios — I am loving the “Lonely Robot” series and think every home should have at least one. The best part is that the artist is going to open his studio to kids soon — we cannot wait for those workshops.

Future Rock Stars — My friend Rachel makes awesome tees for kids. They’re perfectly designed and so inexpensive it’s like you’re robbing her. (She sent Emme a Ninja shirt that is impossible to take off the child.) Plus, this one seems somehow fitting.

Annie Galvin — An artist we found through 3Fish, we bought three of her bear collage paintings for Emme’s new room. Honestly, the kid has no idea how awesome her abode will be. Thanks Annie!

Maureen Shields — Another great artist we were impressed by. She works in collages. Well, I guess with them.

KayTea — I’m usually against the iron-on onesie sales, because once I figured out how easy it was to do, I felt like a lot of designers were ripping the shit out of people — selling for $50 something that cost $5 to make. But these hedgehog onesies are freaking cute — and relatively cheap, too. An exception is made.

Spaceshipmates — “The Spoctopus” is probably the coolest stuffed animal you will find.

Mincing Mockingbird — Maybe these aren’t specifically for children, per se, but still — every home should have a magnet with a little bird on it … a little bird that says: “You’re a whore and that makes me sad” or “My mating dance is mostly seizures.” We simply could not resist buying enough of these bird series magnets to cover our fridge. This gets the award for best stocking stuffer in the universe. Buy some. Now.

Two Turnips — We bought some really cute hair barrettes (as opposed to what? genital barrettes?) from these seriously nice people, but I was really impressed by the clothes. The rompers are perfect.

I Heart Guts — What can possibly be better than a T-shirt of two kidneys saying, “When urine in love”? If you’re looking for ultra-cool shirts for the little ones, this is the place. Also great plush toys of internal organs, because every kid needs an extra pancreas.

Sweet Meats — Now you have the guts, why not have the actual meat? I’m not sure there’s a kid alive who wouldn’t like a full-sized ham teething toy.

Monkey Sock Monkey — Make your own sock monkeys with sweet modern fabrics. This sounds like a really fun rainy day activity and if you can produce the same kind of animals they had on display, it’s well worth your time and money. They also had some fun childhood art prints.

Bosa Nova Baby — Makes some awesome kid clothes and costumes. Also, hats. Enough said.

Kooky Dolls — I loved these handmade dolls and tees and dresses. If you’re looking for an offbeat, innocent doll or maybe a great lovey for bedtime, this is the place to start.

Planet Tokki — From spiders to Nessie to little lumps of adorable, um, byproducts of eating, any kid would go crazy for these plushies. The gallery is by far my favorite part.

Katy & Kristin — They make some adorable toys and I’m pretty sure this was the booth selling do-it-yourself toy patterns. They looked easy and cute.

Saelee Oh – Whimsical art that would do well anywhere, but many, many things for kids rooms.

DamestarBaby — I was going to put these in the ridiculously overpriced category of shit you can sew on your own American Apparel T-shirts for a fraction of the cost, but the hard work and love really shows on these clothes. Plus, hand-sewn. That takes some serious time, yo. And their kid models are just gorgeous children.

My Imaginary Boyfriend — Sweet, sweet hand-stitched yule logs, ornaments and the official “Mrs. Roper Tote.” I want to do very bad things to these stitched-goods. Also, do-it-yourself patterns of some toys. That is such a fun project to tackle with the kids.

Lauren Smash Toys — You will not find a cuter bumblebee. I wanted to buy everything from her, simply because she was so damn nice to us. The conjoined twin dolls are not to be missed.

FixedGearGal — Cute monsters and capes.

Roxy Craft — And speaking of projects, I am in love with Roxy Crafts for its free toy patterns and how-to instructions. Plus, everything is 50 percent off until Christmas. Go. Go fast!

The Girl and Rhino — You will not find a better article of clothing — anywhere — than the “PILF” T-shirt. This is Dana’s new uniform. Coincidentally, I’m running for office. Announcement next week.

NifNaks — Your one-stop shop for everything from wool dreadlocks to lapel pins; plus, usb “worms.” Some very fun, offbeat toys and ideas here. Emme was particularly enthralled by the squid ornaments and wool eggs.

Squink Industries – I remember them having a lot more cool stuff than what appears on their Etsy shop (updates yo!) but I still wanted to give them a shoutout for their shirts.

Angry Chix — Handpainted pirate shirts? Why yes, don’t mind if I do! Cute little buttons of our dear lord and savior with the words “Jesus rocked the mullet”? Please, do go on.

Mahar Dry Goods — Capes always drive me crazy because you can make one yourself in a half hour, blindfolded and drunk, but the rest of the stuff is just amazing. This Wonderland dress is just too perfect, and every child should have at least 14 of these Little Red Riding Hood Ponchos.

Mikaleen — Inexpensive bibs and adorable Japanese kimonos.

Rebe — I love that they have a whole category on their web site for “puppies and babies” as if both just release themselves all over the house … oh wait. Cute outfits, cute dolls, a little on the expensive side, but from the looks of these clothes, it’s well worth it. Also, cool dresses for you, my fellow dads.

***

OK, enough of those selfish, needy kids. Here’s some flippin sweet! stuff for your own stocking:

Mark Poulin — Dana fell in love with this guy’s jewelry and I’m kind of surprised she came home with me at all.

Amy Ahlstrom – These are not your grandmother’s quilts. Well, if your grandmother was a Harajuku girl on tour with Gwen Stefani, maybe. Just maybe. But then your grandmother would be one bad ass chick. Take a look at this “urban quilter.” Words fail me in trying to convey the awesome of these Japanese-inspired, mid-century pop art soon-to-be prized possessions.

I Love Remade — I always thought pillow cases were for A. sleeping and B. Halloween. This is such a great idea, and I am in love with the re-use aspect. Definitely on my future list of to-do projects.

Molly McB — Your dog will love her.

Well — Nice place for local art and clothes.

Beyond Wonderland — Custom-order wallets and keepsakes.

Leophonse — Three words: “Princess. Red. Cape.” Thank me later. (Another cape exception.)

Sprout Studio — Jewelry, art, some really cool modified skateboards. I am loving this shop.

Art Toaster — Some really fun and eclectic photos and prints. Nothing says art like Hooker Barbie and a toaster in a vacant field. Which is to say, I want one. Badly.

Hillery Rebeka Sprout — Another fantastic source for seriously sweet home decor and artwork.

Pimp Stitch — A resource made up of three different artists and their patterns. Honestly, if they actually were pimps, I think I’d work for them. Or at least let them beat me and take all my money.

Lauren Brandy — From bags to buttons to bears, there is nothing she can touch that won’t turn to splendid. I want it all. Maybe not the purses.

Rock Scissor Paper — Great place for holiday cards.

Pepperina Press — I cannot say enough about my friend Helen and her handmade stationary. If you’re looking for holiday cards or thank you notes this year, Pepperina Press should definitely be your first stop.

Red Cake – A gallery of a bajillion artists each more talented than the last. (Except that middle one — she’s the best.) Good finds on sculpture and paintings. Also, free buttons.

JeynReyn — Really cute and really inexpensive felt products, like wallets and ATM card holders.

ShanaLogic — Everything from plushies to tees to belts. Plus, she gave out a really cool magnet. Ooh, shiny.

BetteJo’s Bead Creations — I’ve been reading her blog for awhile now and can’t help clicking on her jewelry store. Check it out.

PantyLine Productions — I don’t really know what else to say. “I (heart) my vagina” panties pretty much does it for me.

And finally …

SCRAP — The Scrounger’s Center for Reusable Art Parts is always looking for spare, good quality materials that could be used in classrooms and workshops, such as this family hat making event. Can’t wait for the next one.

If I’ve left out or offended anyone, then my job here is done.

Now, back to the new dress.

***

***

I was excited to see this dress on Emme, as I ditched all patterns and made up my own “Silver Bells” inspired creation for her holiday outfit. The best part? The fabric was half-off and cost $3.50.